Bitter Vet - You Damn Kids and Your Slang

He's in his 30s, he's been playing computer games as long as you've been alive no matter how old you actually are, and he's going to give you his opinion whether you want it or not. He's the Bitter Vet.

Listen up noob. Oh, you don't know what a noob is? Let me try and say it in a way you will understand it: Listen up peasant. There, is that better? Back when I started playing computer games back in the early 90s, you know, when Urkel was still a guest star and Clinton hadn't yet been caught dipping his pen in the company ink, there was no gamer slang to speak of. The words we created were out of necessity because.... wait for it... we did NOT HAVE THE LUXURY OF VOICE COMMS. Phrases like "afk" and "lol" were text based expressions that described exactly what one was doing. I can't count the times I climbed back onto my chair to type "ROFL" because I was literally rolling on the floor laughing. Don't even get me started on emojis (which are emoticons by the way). Back in my day we had barely a handful to convey our emotions: smiley face, frowny face, winky face, stick your tongue out face, winky stick your tongue out face, and open mouth laughing face. But then again, anyone who would use open mouth laughing face would quickly be inundated with less than-three equal signs-number 3's. But, I digress.

Basically, the words all you not-impressed-by-a-terabyte kids throw around today just don't make any sense. All we have is this hipster-inspired technobabble that can only be understood if you've ever owned a cell phone in elementary school. Below are just a few examples that I was able to type out before repeatedly smashing my face into the keyboard out of frustration.

LULZ - Hey, I know, let's take a perfectly good acronym that is straightforward and twist it into something that makes no fucking sense. I blame the assclowns that started saying "lol" into voice comms instead of, oh, I don't know, ACTUALLY LAUGHING.

STREAMER - Let me get this straight, people make a living having people watch them play computer games? When I was your age, there was only one streamer on the entire planet as far as I was concerned. His name was Jim and every day he would come home from school and rip the SNES controller from my hands. My only option would be to sit there and watch my big brother play as defeated Zeromus for the first time. The point? Playing is always more fun than watching someone play a game.

WELP - Like any red-blooded American, I am a fan of turning just about any word into a verb. "Beer me," "text me," and "Google it" have all been in my rotation for years. However, I am NOT a fan of completely ignoring our linguistic history. Welp is not a verb used to illustrate a careless or bumbling maneuver in a game, it's an iteration of the linguistic phenomenon known as the “excrescent p,” which results from the sound the mouth makes when it's en route to another word. God, people, respect the language.

EARLY ACCESS - What the hell is this shit? In my day early access meant your best friend was the manager at Electronic Boutique and she could sneak a copy of a new release to you the day before it came out. How about this, wait for a game to come out before you buy it. Ah, forget it, I am going to just head down to my local car dealership and pay them to let me test drive some cars...have to see if I like it before I buy it, am I right?

FOR REASONS - I'll give you a reason, stop being so friggin' lazy and actually communicate effectively with your fellow human beings.

Open Letter to the Devs: Thanks for Alpha Access!!!

Dear Devs,

When I got home from school today, I had an awesome surprise waiting for me in my inbox: an invitation to join the Alpha phase of your game! I must say that I am honored, but not surprised, that I was chosen. I am going to assume tales of my 733t performance in other games are finally spreading across the internet and that you want the best of the best to be the first to play your creation.

I am really happy that more gaming companies are giving early access, but not sure why they just don't release it to everyone at once. I am once again going to go right ahead and assume that you only want the top tier gamers playing first before letting all the peasants on your server. I mean, it's called ALPHA for a reason, right? I imagine it's because you devs want to show off the best version of your game to the best players possible.

Full disclosure, I have never been part of an Alpha before. I have been following the development of your game for quite a while and can't wait to give it a spin. I am still on the fence about whether or not I am going to buy it, so this will be a great way "try before you buy" situation for me. I hope you are on your "A" game, devs, because if this game isn't as advertised, ALL 27 of my Twitch stream subscribers will know what a huge heap of stinking water trash you are trying to pawn off on us consumers. One lag spike, one glitch, or one quest text typo is all it's going to take for this gamer to call your "Alpha" a "piece of shit."

Threats aside, I must say that I am looking forward to creating a character that I can develop as my own should I decide to buy the game. One of my favorite parts of any MMO is personalizing a toon and creating fond memories over the thousands of hours I get to play it. There is nothing better than logging into a game after a few months away and seeing my main sitting there waiting for me, reminding me of the wondrous journeys we have taken together. Persistence has to be one of my favorite aspects of  any MMO, and I can't wait to create my Alpha character so I can begin to leave my mark on your servers!

See all you devs on Alpha launch day!

Sincerely,
Herby Sansclue

Developers Mourn Abuse of Flexible Character Creation Systems

MMORPG developers rallied together in a rare show of complete solidarity this past weekend at the recent Game Developer’s Conference. Although many topics were discussed over the three day event, discussion over player character creation systems sparked the most outcry.

Avatars like the one above cause many
developers to question their career
choice

Traditionally character creation tools are used to add a personal element to a player’s avatar. Although some games, such as World of Warcraft, limit choices to a set list of faces, hair options, and color selections, more recent additions to the market allow increasingly complex control over physical appearance, particularly in facial structure.

One developer spoke above the rest as the panel began: “We have put years of our blood, sweat and tears into making a comprehensive, flexible system so that our customers could make their ideal hero, and this is how they repay us?” At this point a printed screen shot was presented showing what appeared to be a corpulent woman with an anus for a face.


The event proceeded with a slide show presentation depicting some of the worst encounters: Strong men with tiny, grotesque baby faces, characters that were heavily wrinkled, lightly bearded and fairly testicular looking in nature, and many, many unmasked Predator look-a-likes. Many of the developers lost their composure at this display, bemoaning how they could never face their families again or quoting J. Robert Oppenheimer, developer of the atom bomb: “I am become death, destroyer of worlds.”

Jessie Horker, an artistic design manager, stated that a more robust creation system was usually a big selling point for a game. “All we wanted was to give players as many options as possible. You want a big heroic cleft chin, you got it. You want a slim nose for that feminine look, or maybe a prominent brow that shows you’re in charge, we’re on it. You put every slider to full and make your character look like someone stuffed a zeppelin up their nasal cavity, you’re just insulting everyone involved.”
The problem was quickly pointed out to not be limited to online games. Bioware games such as the Mass Effect and Dragon Age series were quick to add their own list of woes along with Dark Souls creators and others. Even Nintendo was able to add their voice to the discussion, citing the number of phallus depictions on disturbingly, yet carefully designed Mii avatars that they had to screen to maintain their family friendly image.

Most developers admitted that it was the player’s right to use their tools as they saw fit, and there was nothing inherently wrong with making a character that looked like the unholy trifecta spawn of Mr. Bean, Steve Buscemi and a cheese grater. Horker responded to this with his fists clenched. “Sure it’s their choice if they want to collectively slap in the face every hard working soul that worked on the system. From a business standpoint, the real problem is, at least in the MMO genres, these players will find exactly where characters spawn and know just where the camera will be pointing so that their baby in a blender face will be the first thing new players see. Nobody wants that. Nobody.”

Fitness Trackers Helping Gamers Get In Shape

With summer fast approaching, it is common to see people try to be more active. The warmer weather and looming of the proverbial 'beach season' has always been a great motivator to get back in shape with the intention of rubbing it in the face of an ex. In recent years, the fitness bracelet trend has become more and more popular, allowing users to see a visual representation of their daily activity. The statistics and graphs the fitness bracelets spit out have served as a wonderful motivator for people who need a reason to keep going. It can be said that gamers are very much like people, so it has come as no surprise that the fitness bracelet trend is beginning to make its way onto the wrists of MMO enthusiasts.

Maligned for years as a hobby for the lazy, weak, and/or awkward, more and more gamers are looking to turn this misconception on its head. "I don't want anyone thinking that just because I love to play MMOs that I am some sort of fat slob," says Randy Holcomb of Morro Bay, California. "But I knew that to do so there would have to be a major lifestyle change. I tried cycling, I tried swimming, I even went out for a few jogs, but none of those things stuck." It was Christmas 2014 that things finally began to turn around for Mr. Holcomb. Sitting under the tree that morning was a life-changing gift from his parents: a fitness tracker bracelet.

"I had no idea what it was or what it was used for until maybe March. I just wore it around so my mom wouldn't give me a hard time. I charged it every week, though, because I thought it was cool when it would light up if you tapped it a few times." It wasn't until a chance meeting at Randy's work that revealed the true purpose of his new accessory. "I was handing a macchiato to this dude when he saw my bracelet and was all like, 'yo bro, how many active mins you got today?' and pointed to my tracker. I realized then and there that my bracelet was actually something much, much more."

Over the next two weeks, Holcomb made sure he wore his fitness tracker whenever he left the house. "I wore it to the movies, I wore it while driving to work, I wore it every single day and I wasn't seeing any results. My daily active minutes would NOT go up no matter how long I wore the tracker."

One day, Randy forgot to take off his fitness tracker before sitting down to play his favorite MMO for a few hours, the results of which were startling. "Seventy four active minutes over the two hour play session. I didn't believe it at first, so I tried it again the next day, same results. They say that playing MMOs is not really a strenuous activity, but my fitness tracker app will tell you otherwise."

Randy credits his intense and focused playstyle for his more active lifestlye. "As soon as I login I queue up for some PvP then start farming mobs while I wait. Rarely a minute goes by that I am not actively participating in the game. Trust me, it shows. After switching the bracelet over to my right wrist, I am now averaging forty three active minutes an hour playing MMOs."

Recently, Randy has purchased a second fitness tracker hoping to further increase his level of fitness. "The new tracker I bought even measures my heart rate. You wouldn't believe how high it gets during a heated PvP match or when I have to go downstairs to grab a soda. According to my trackers, I have literally doubled my active minutes while using them together."

The long-term effects of fitness tracker bracelets are yet to be seen. Regardless, these new devices seem to be helping gamers. "Do I feel better? Most definitely. Everytime I check my fitness tracker stats I feel really good about myself and how many active minutes I've been logging. I wished I had realized I could maintain an active lifestyle while playing MMOs a long time ago," says Holcomb ecstatically. "Do I look better? Actually, no. I had to go out and buy bigger pants the other day."

Blizzard Reveals True Reason Behind WoW Tokens

On April 7, Blizzard Entertainment launched the first major change to the World of Warcraft subscription system in the form of WoW Tokens. Seeking to a land huge blow against illicit RMT, WoW tokens now give players a safe way to purchase gold without the fear of having their accounts banned. While these benefits have been lauded by many as a generous move to allow players to trade real money for gold, it is Blizzard itself that stands to benefit the most.

One week following the release of Blizzard's version of RMT, information has been released that uncovers the real reasons why WoW tokens were created. In a recent interview with GCD News, Game Director Tom Chilton explains how the new system came to be. "Since the game was released, we have been studying all types of metrics concerning WoW," says Chilton. "Many of the decisions we make regarding content and game balance stem from the data we collect. The token system was no different."

Fig. 1

With over ten years of player data collected and analyzed, dollar signs soon began to appear in the eyes of everyone in the office. "For a system like WoW tokens to work, there had to be some sort of equilibrium between those who buy them using real money and those who buy them using gold. We knew the token system had to work due to the ONE constant our data revealed over the years: World of Warcraft has a perfect 50/50 split between cheap and lazy players (Fig. 1). Lazy players will buy the tokens using real money and cheap players will buy tokens from lazy players using gold. Supply and demand, my friend, supply and demand."

The idea of this player type breakdown was first brought up following the release of the Celestial Steed in 2010. "For every forum post filled with hate, vitriol, and promises of bodily harm, there was exactly one Celestial Steed sale. That is no coincidence."

Chilton goes on to explain the different mindsets of each type, describing cheap players as "those people who fight a waiter over a fifty cent up-charge on a baked potato because he or she never asked for sour cream." Cheap players are those who wait to re-up their sub at the end of the month because they are going away for a weekend and don't want to pay for days they aren't going to use. They would rather have to grind gold for hours to purchase a Spectral Tiger off the auction house than buy one for a real-life nickel.  Lazy players, on the other hand, are much more simplistic in their profile since the primary way they interact with the game is with their credit cards.

Chilton admits that these numbers are subject to change and could greatly affect the token market. "We have already seen this in the system's first week," says Chilton. "We underestimated the number of lazy players that would return to the game now that they are able to safely buy gold. This .1% shift caused tokens to lose almost 20% of their value in the first week due to tokens flooding the market." (Fig. 2) Still, the higher-ups at Blizzard are confident the price will rise over the next three weeks. With subscription billing time looming for millions of players at the end of the month, their research shows cheap players will soon start buying up tokens by the fistful.

Fig. 2

"The most important thing to realize is," concludes Chilton, "at the end of the day this token system will benefit all types of players in World of Warcraft. But even more most importantly, our company now has thousands upon thousands of prepaid thirty day subscriptions just sitting there in our bank account. After all these years, it feels good to finally get ahead financially."

Leading MMO Partners with PepsiCo/Frito-Lay

Announced this week, one of the industry's leading MMOs will be partnering with food and beverage giant PespiCo/Frito-Lay. Starting next month, players will be able to acquire special consumables that will mirror real life products such as Doritos, Lay's Potato Chips, and Pepsi brand sodas. While it is being heralded as one of the greatest innovations in computer gaming history by the company who thought of it, there does seem to be plenty of backlash within the game's playerbase. One of largest concerns is that the inclusion of commercial products will create a pay to win system where all players would be forced to acquire them in order to compete. GCD News was able to sit down with the game's lead director and ask him a few questions about the partnership with one of America's corporations:

The new Pepsi/Frito-Lay items
are said to 'barely affect game
mechanics' 

Why did your company decide to partner with PepsiCo/FritoLay?

It was a pretty simple decision, really. They make snacks and drinks, our game has a mechanic where a player can consume food and beverages to gain buffs. I am surprised that we are the first to think of it.

Players seem concerned these new items have the potential to break immersion within the game world.

Look, all players are going to be worried about is being too immersed in the bold, yet smooth spice of Cool Ranch Doritos they are eating while battling the Sour Cream & Onion King of the Salty Crisplands.

Are you planning to create a 'pay to win' environment?

This merger does NOT mean the game will be pay to win. These items will  have no effect on existing stats. I repeat, NO effect on existing stats. Instead, these consumables will affect a brand new stat called 'Snack & Hydration Index Timer.' Players will need to eat and drink more Pepsi/Frito-Lay products in order to increase the SHIT timer. As long as a player's SHIT timer is above zero, they will have access to the new 'Taco Bell Doritos Locos Dungeon brought to you by TaxSlayer.com' which is where most best in slot gear will be found.

How much will these new items cost?

These items will be 100% free to all players who are subscribed to our game. All they need to do is head down to the local mini-mart and buy 20oz of a crisp, refreshing Mountain Dew product or a bag of punch-your-taste-buds-in-the-nuts-in-a-good-way Doritos. Inside every bag and under every bottle cap is a code redeemable for these in-game items. See? How can it be pay to win when you technically aren't paying us directly.

To what extent will these new items affect the core gameplay experience?

We understand that players players are concerned that their gameplay experience will be affected by the new items. Let me be the first to say that these consumables will only really affect the endgame experience, which right now is only about 43% of our playerbase, which is, from what I have been told by our marketing department, less than half. How can anyone say the core gameplay will be affected when items like the 'Diet Pepsi Max Mana Regen Potion' or 'Doritos Jacked Strength in a Bag' are NOT needed by over half the playerbase?

There are some who have said your company has sold out, what do you have to say to them?

Crack open a bag of new DorFritos, take a long, delicious pull of caffeine free Mountain Dew Y, and remember, it's just a game...and I don't want to be unemployed.

Open Letter to the Devs: Fix Free Hero Rotation

Dear Devs,

I love your game. I have logged nearly a thousand hours playing it thus far and it's only the beta. The game mechanics and familiar characters are awesome and I don't see myself slowing down any time soon. That being said, I have one major problem. Every Monday, when the new free hero rotation is released, a wave of disappointment washes over me. Once again, I nearly own all of the heroes on the list. Nearly ALL of them. Aside from being crazy unfair, this practice will cost your company money in the long run. What's the point of buying a hero if you are just going to offer it for free every few weeks? I may as well stop buying them and take advantage of this communist, anti-American practice. I earned the gold, I mean, used real dollars to unlock my heroes and it cheapens my experience if any noob with a beta key from subscribing to WoW eight years ago can play them too.

Here are some ways you can fix this horrible system:

• Suggestion #1 - If a free hero is owned by a player, that player can choose another hero to play for free for the week.
• Suggestion #2 - Allow all players to choose their own free rotation every week, but don't let them use a hero in a match where a player is using a purchased version of that same hero.
• Suggestion #3 - If more than 25% of the playerbase owns a hero, then ban that hero from the free rotation. 

I know I am not alone on this. I have spoken with three or four friends in game that agree with me. I even asked in chat one match and almost 50% of my team thought my suggestions were great, while the rest just wanted me to stop typing and actually take part in the match.

Come on, Blizzard, get your act together. Either make these heroes worth something by forcing players to buy them or just let us choose what heroes we want to play when we want to play them. It's that simple.

Sincerely,
Dip Gamerton

The Sad, Lonely Life of a Trash Mob Designer

It's 7:43pm on a Friday and Michael Ohara is still hard at work in his office. To even call it an office is a stretch. Three nineteen inch monitors take up the majority of his six square foot desk that is only separated from the outside world by a single four and a half foot partition. His workspace is in the farthest corner of the lowest sublevel of his company's satellite building, a brisk twelve minute walk from the parking garage. For the entirety of his eleven year career, Michael Ohara has been a trash mob designer.

Trash mob designers are responsible for Molten Giants
and the six billion other trash mobs in Molten Core

Trash mobs, or spawns as Ohara prefers to call them, have been around as long as MMOs. The original purpose of these NPCs was to add life, vibrancy, and longevity to a game's boss encounters. Seen as an essential part of the PvE experience, they can be seen in just about every dungeon, adventure, and instance that a boss is present. "I really love the variety of content I get to create. One morning I am working on a level fifty nightworm that protects the keeper of the eastern swamps and by the afternoon I have moved on to a level fifty one nightworm who blocks the entrance to the northern swamps. My work is experienced by more players than most of what is done here in the office. Regardless of if you are on a raid, running quests, or just trying to mind your own business, you can't avoid spawns, which to me makes all of the long hours worthwhile."

Michael Ohara's cubicle, as seen in "Western Cubicle &
Animal Storage Emporium Catalog" (3 wall model shown)

Unfortunately for Ohara and his team, trash mob design is not all glitz and glamour. Around the office, they are treated much like the in-game ceatures of their creation. Karl Oberland is a dungeon designer who often questions the need for people like Ohara, "Are these trashcans even worth the hassle? All they do is take up space and take away from the content we bossmen are trying to create." On more than one occasion, claims Oberland, office parties have canceled due to the trash mob design team. "We had a birthday cake for one of our lead devs, but since the trashchans' desks are closest to the break room, they were first to arrive. If anyone wanted a piece of cake, they had to get through them first. After almost an hour of trying, the lead dev called it and we just went back to work."

Outside of the office is no different. Rarely are the likes of Ohara and his team invited to social gatherings such as trivia at the local pub or joining the company kickball team. They are ignored, left to toil away at their desks while the others are off journeying across the world on adventures that will be told at water coolers for years to come. The developers and other content creators have even gone so far as to attempt to rearrange the office so no one has to engage with the trash mob designers unless they want to. "We have tried to come up with ways to get to meetings without being hounded by them," Oberland says, "but no matter where we put them or how we try to reach the conference room, we get pulled into talking to at least one of them. Yes, we've seen the change you made to the mob's spear handle. No, we don't think having each piece of trash have a three second stun on a four second cooldown is a good idea."

Undeterred, Michael Ohara believes his work is meaningful and will continue to try and earn the respect of his co-workers despite it being an uphill battle. "Do you know what the slang term was before they were called 'trash mobs' before?" Ohara asks, leaning back in his chair, staring at the ceiling with a single tear cascading down his cheek. "Neither do I... neither do I."

GCD Celebrates Award Winning April Fools Joke with Crappy Pizza from That Place No One Likes

We here at The Global Cooldown are pleased to announce that our first ever April Fools' joke is now our first ever AWARD WINNING April Fools' joke. Check it out:

While we are very much excited about this achievement, we felt entitled to it, especially after putting in about an hour of work into the ruse. Knowing the only way to be recognized for our extraordinarily mediocre writing was to form the award committee ourselves, it still would have been a huge disappointment not to win. Also worthy to note is that we smashed our daily website hits record, climbing well into the 200s if you count the times we refreshed the front page ourselves.

As a thank you to all our readers, we have ordered pizza for our entire staff. It's the least we can do for everyone who has given us their support these past twenty years days. Please help us spread the word about The Global Cooldown so maybe we can add some soda and napkins to our next office pizza party!

Shitty pizza for a shitty job
well done