E3 Update: SWTOR Announces New Expansion; Players Thrilled to Hear Game Still Exists

This week at E3, BioWare announced a new expansion for its acclaimed MMO Star Wars: The Old Republic. This will be the fifth digital expansion for the game which was released in 2011 and will feature a raised level cap to 65, new storyline missions, and new companions to fight alongside with.

GCD News was able to get the reactions of gamers on the expo floor just after the news broke:

"When I heard SWOTR was releasing a big expansion, I was like 'Awesome! That game is still running. Good for them.'"

"I can't wait to get home and see if I still have it installed!"

"My husband and I were worried that all those devs were unemployed. We're relieved to say the least."

"Ah man, I used to play it so much in college, so hearing about it brings me back. I had a lazer light sword sabre and was all like 'zzzzrrooom, zzzzrrooom' and then I was like 'the dark side is your father, noooooooo! Die Darth Ewok!'...Oh man I smoked too much weed back then. Also, right now as well."

"Are you SURE they were talking about SWTOR? I was thinking during the annoucement they meant Battlefront but for whatever reason kept saying 'Old Republic'."

"Meh, call me when you can play as a Wookie."

Star Wars: The Old Republic - Knights of the Fallen Empire is due out sometime this fall.

E3: New 'Living the Steam' Tickets Now Available

We have all been there, hammering F5 trying to refresh our browser the exact moment E3 tickets come on sale. Inevitably, thousands of gamers, fans, and 'others' are left empty handed, forced to sit at home and wait for information to trickle out onto blogs. Good news, gamers, this may all be a thing of the past.

The Entertainment Software Association, the company that brings us E3, announced this week they launching a new initiative that will allow a record number of people to experience the expo the way it was meant to be.

Dubbed "Living the Stream", these new tickets pair up those who missed out on tickets to the event with a ticket-holding volunteer equipped with the latest in video streaming technology, giving the opportunity for thousands of fans to be there in spirit. "We wanted to take advantage of the ever-growing popularity of live streams. But, we know that one of the biggest draws of watching the stream is the personality of the streamer," explains the event's lead director. "Anyone who purchases a "Living the Stream" will be able to choose their own personal streamer based on their interests."

Sponsored by Twitch, this new program seeks to tap into the mind-bottlingly massive revenue potential of people who seem to enjoy choosing to give money to people who they are watching play computer games. Some features of the "Living the Stream" tickets include:

• Watch every keynote address through the eyes of an audience member who fell asleep in the hotel room but managed to catch the last 8 minutes
• Be riveted as your personal streamer spends nearly a half an our haggling the price of a WoW plushie from $20 to $18
• Experience the 45 minute wait to get that guy who played Dale in "The Walking Dead"'s autograph
• Catch all the updates from your favorite upcoming MMO as your personal streamer refuses to leave the developer's booth for nearly three hours, making awkward small talk and jumping in to answer questions from other patron's before the Devs have a chance to do so
• Appreciate the irony of the over abundance of "hipster version" cos-players
• Be "that guy" who picks up all the swag left behind or dropped by other expo-goers
• Love Chiplotle? Good, because there's one across the street from the venue and chances are your personal streamer will be eating there 2-5 times a day

To purchase "Living the Stream" tickets, please visit: 'www.e3.com/faketickets/livingthestream' and enter promo code: "GCDNEWS".

X Marx the Spot - ArcheAge Announces Expansion Focused on Housing

Every MMO goes through its own growing (or shrinking) pains, so it is no surprise to see that five months following its release, talk of server merges in Trion's MMO ArcheAge have dominated the forums. While many players feel that consolidating servers would breathe new life into the game, there are many questions that need to be answered due to the way the game goes about many of its core mechanics, namely player housing.

The biggest worry for most players is how server merges will affect the housing system since it currently operates under a  "first come, first served" policy. For those who are forced to move to a new server, all of the prime housing locations would already be claimed making it impossible for new arrivals to experience one of the game's biggest draws. Thus, Trion has recently announced an upcoming housing-focused expansion that will address these concerns.

Dubbed the "Social-IST (Social Intervention for Server Transfers) Expansion", Trion will be utilizing a portion of Patron Pass income to fund the creation of developer-subsidized housing in Erenor. These shelters will be free to all players who are homeless upon arriving on a new server in order to attempt to level the playing field with those who have been on the server since launch. "Since we can't provide equity of opportunity," stated one developer who worked on the expansion, "we felt it was our responsibility to try to provide equity in other ways. Creating developer-subsidized housing seemed like the ethical choice."

Not all players are pleased with the news. Karl McEwin took the the forums and wrote, "My older brother gave me my plot when he quit playing last month. He stayed up all night one night to make sure he was there when the servers first opened to get it. Many a Mtn Dews were drank and Hot Pockets consumed that night and I can only assume he took at least a few days off his life to lay claim to our gorgeous beachfront property. Why should I be punished despite all the hard work my brother put in? Anyone new to the server needs a lesson in hard work. If they just try harder, they will get what they want!"

Another controversial feature of the Social-IST expansion will be a new 10% tax on all transactions that include gold, including loot drops and quest rewards, that will be distributed to all players who have been on the server one month or less. "We know what's best for our players," said the Trion dev. "Sure, there are a few players who own premium housing locations and have made stacks on stacks of gold, but they've never lived a day in a server transfer's shoes." In order to be eligible to receive this benefit, all a player has to do it login and "/w ObamaDev: goldz pls".

The Social-IST Expansion is slated for late summer 2015.

Ex-Dev to Blizzard: You're Full of S#!T

Blizzard developers recently revealed that there are no future plans to allow flying on the new continent of Draenor because they feel that it makes the world a smaller place. There are very few in Azeroth who believe this weaksauce reason. Thus, GCD News went behind the scenes and did some dumpster diving outside the Blizzard offices to find the truth and you won’t believe what we discovered (other than the shockingly large quantity of gas station burritos consumed by Blizzard employees)!

The real reason why Blizzard does not want you flying on Draenor is...POOP!

Yes, you read that correctly.

The real reason why Blizzard won't let you fly over Draenor is due to the fact that cleaning the massive amount of digipoop created by flying mounts is a massive drain on company resources. Imagine thousands upon thousands of brown sky-nuggets falling to the ground from dragons, gryphons, wyverns, drakes, rays, cloud serpents, hippogryphs, druids in shape shift, mages on carpets and every other shit filled flying thing in the world that is Warcraft.

For us gamers, the world is always clean and the air is always fresh as we don't see what goes on behind the scenes during server downtimes. We've been able to locate an ex-developer who worked at Blizzard who has shed some light on this situation:

Ex-developer: "I worked as the VP of DPC (DigiPoop Collection) at Blizzard. My team and I were responsible for cleaning digital poop in World of Warcraft."

GCD Pants: "How come we have never heard of this problem before? Why is it such a big secret?"

Ex-developer: "The reason no one has heard of it is two-fold. When flying mounts were first programmed, the code created its own residual code whenever a flying mount was used. If the mount didn’t expel this extra code, it would crash the server. The demand for flying mounts was so great, Blizzard just decided to deal with the digipoop instead of having to start from scratch to fix it.

The second reason is because because of the money Blizzard spends on it. Do you know how many servers we needed for just maintaining this shit? There are entire server farms dedicated to storing the poop before it is ‘flushed’. More than half of the extended downtimes in World of Warcraft's history were due to someone on our team flushing the poop well before they were done causing a server tank refill delay."

GCD Pants: "So not allowing flight in Draenor will reduce the server load?"

Ex-developer: "Indeed! They have cut down the shit quantity in Draenor by 60%. No doubt some employees are going to take home a big fat check for cutting down the poop into smaller manageable chunks."

There you have it, straight from the poop cleaners mouth! Now the true reason for not allowing flying mounts in Draenor known, now it's up to the players if they want to keep putting up with Blizzard's shit.

Lion's Arch Rebuilding Brings Signs of Gentrification

No one will ever forget the year 1327 AE, when Scarlet Briar and her minions unleashed a massive and deadly attack on the fabled city of Lion's Arch. Although the battle only lasted several days, the effects of the conflict are still felt to this day as the wreckage of the villain's massive airship 'Breachmaker'  have forever changed the city's landscape. Nearly a year later, the Lionguard and its allies have all but completed their massive rebuilding project, hoping to bring their home back to its former glory.

However, not everyone in Tyria is looking forward to the 'new and improved' Lion's Arch. As citizens begin to return, some have questioned if these changes are for the better.

Artist depiction of the 'new' Lion's Arch

One refugee who has recently returned to her home found herself out of a job shortly thereafter. "Before the war, I used to gather tiny fangs and make Minor Runes of the Ranger to sell to heroes passing through the city. Now you can't take ten steps without tripping over a merchant selling piles upon piles of vicious fangs and superior runes. Sure, the crime rate is falling and maniacal Secondborn Sylvari attacks are down 100%, but it feels like the city is losing its 'diversity'... if you get what I am saying."

This sudden increase in the quality of crafting materials will surely cause rent across Lion's Arch to rise. In the long term, experts predict the capital to be home almost exclusively to level 80s. "As auction houses and markets are flooded with expensive gear and crafting materials, prices of those particular items will fall slightly. This, in turn, will attract more and more level 80 characters to the city. However, as the demand for top tier goods rises, so does the price. It is expected that anyone not pulling in the salary of a max level will be forced to find a home elsewhere."

Citizens of Lion's Arch have also seen the arrival of new businesses seeking to capitalize on the changing social climate of the city. In the past three months alone, Chipotle, Forever 21, Target, 11 yoga studios, sixteen Starbucks, and one of those bars where you drink wine and paint a picture have all opened for business.

"I, for one, love what this city has become," raves a level 80 decked out in legendary and ascended gear. "There are more people like me here, if you catch my drift. Those low level green-geared peasants can go RP in The Grove for all I care... good riddance. Wait, that's not what I meant. I mean, I am NOT a classist, if that's what you're thinking. Some of my best friends are level 50s!"

Regardless of how anyone feels about the changes, they are here to stay. The long term effects will yet to be seen, but one thing is for certain: this is no longer your grandparents' Lion's Arch.

H1Z1 Expands Unbanning Policy Options

Almost one week ago, Daybreak Game Company took a giant step in combating player cheating in their popular MMO H1Z1. While other game companies quickly fix exploits and attempt to block various hacking methods, the number of accounts that are banned rarely numbers more than a few hundred. Daybreak took a different approach, summarily banning nearly 25,000 accounts in one fell swoop.

Over the next few days, Daybreak was inundated with hundreds of email apologies from players hoping to get their accounts reinstated. The response to these emails from John Smedley, president of Daybreak Gaming Company, was swift and to the point:

Dear Cheaters who got banned. Many of you are emailing me, apologizing and admitting it. Thank you. However.. You’re doing it wrong. If you want us to even consider your apology a public YouTube apology is necessary. No personal information please. Email me the link. And I will tweet it...Not trying to do anything other than highlight a serious issue.

Several players have already taken up Mr. Smedley's offer and have made public apologies via YouTube and have subsequently had their accounts given back.

Apology card sent to Daybreak Game Company

With the YouTube apologies being such a resounding success, Daybreak Gaming Company has expanded the options for players to have their accounts unbanned and have recently shared some of them with GCD News:

1. Apology card containing adorable pun
2. Flowers (red roses only, 3 dozen min.)
3. Handmade coupon book that includes such perks as "one free backrub" or an "anytime hug."
4. Donate five cases of Mountain Dew to underprivileged gamers
5. Wait outside  in the parking lot Daybreak Gaming Company and run up to a Dev as they leave work, groveling on your knees, begging for your account back



Apology sent to Daybreak Game Company
that includes one free back rub

6. Cookie cake with "I'm sorry I need to cheat to win at a game that in the grand scheme of life means nothing." (Blue frosting only)

It is the hope of Daybreak Gaming Company to be able to reinstate nearly all of the 25,000+ accounts by the end of June, because, well, money is money.

A banned player waits patiently for his turn
to beg at the feet of an H1Z1 Dev in person

Guild Leader Frustrated at Drop in Active Members

Claire Monroe sits at her computer and waits...and hopes. She is hoping that her once proud and guild will once again return to its active self. "I am trying to figure out why it all of a sudden turned to shit," ponders Monroe. "Everything was going great and then poof, everyone disappeared."

It is not unexpected that Claire Monroe is not the first GM to face problems like bickering guildmates, server/faction choice, and disagreements on loot rules as they all come with the territory of leading a group of pixelated adventurers. But the biggest challenge for those running a guild, perhaps, is maintaining a roster of active members.

The guild was founded in January 2015, yet boasts a roster of over one hundred and fifty members. Recruiting was as easy as posting a link to Monroe's guild's Enjin page in the forums and watching the applications roll in. Within two weeks the guild was sporting triple digits. "I don't know if it was the hype surrounding the game, or the fact there weren't many other guilds recruiting at the time, players just started lining up to join us," boasts Monroe. It was indeed both of those reasons that played heavily into the guild's early success as the group was formed under the banner of ArtCraft's upcoming MMO Crowfall.

Claire fondly recounts the good old days of the guild, which was about three months ago, "No matter when I logged into the guild page, there were always new forum posts or members shooting the breeze in chat. We would talk about what classes people were going to play, what the crafting system might look like, and speculating which year the game would ultimately be released. My guess is Q4 2017."

It was then in late March that Monroe started seeing a downward trend in activity. Over the course of two weeks, an average of less than ten members a day were active on the guild's page, down from an average of nearly eighty. "It seems that our guild party to mark the end of Crowfall's Kickstarter was the end of our guild for some reason. We had over 120 guildies in chat that night but haven't come close to that since...I don't know, I thought we had a good thing going."

For the last several weeks, Claire has made several attempts to increase guild activity, but they have all come up short. "I have been racking my brain trying to figure out ways to draw members back in. So far my best ideas have been sitting in Mumble talking about how awesome the game is going to be or sitting in chat and typing about how awesome the game is going to be. Even the poll I posted on our page was ignored by all but three of our members. I figured asking 'Even though the finalized list is literally years away and detailed information regarding the topic is sparse, what class are you going to play come launch?' would stimulate some discussion. I was wrong."

There has been talk about the guild shutting its doors for good if activity doesn't pick up. But for now, Claire Monroe is committed to once again being one of the premiere guilds in Crowfall and figuring out the cause of the massive drop in guild activity. "If I can just figure out why Crowfall lost so many players so quickly, only then will I be able to solve my guild's activity problem."

HotS Player Completely Unaware of the Purpose of Reddit

Recently, a post appeared on the popular website Reddit that garnered its fair share of attention, but not for the reasons its author intended. User [deleted] posted a plea in the Heroes of the Storm subreddit urging his fellow players to "stop giving up," adding "every game is winnable, so keep trying!" Although the post was meant to serve as a beacon of positivity and encouragement, [deleted] was soon made aware of the error of making such a statement on Reddit. Users on the site were outraged that [deleted] had the audacity to create such a post. "You got some real stones my friend, coming on here and being all supportive and shit," spat a fellow Redditor.

Screenshot of [deleted]'s post just before it was taken down

It was not long before the denziens of Reddit united under the banner of shitting on [deleted]. The vitriol came so quickly and so furiously that the mods couldn't react fast enough to take the post down in a timely manner. Seventeen minutes and two hundred and fifty nine comments later, the damage to one poor user's soul was irrevocably done. Left with no recourse, OP deleted his username so the horror of that day never has to be relived.

Fortunately, GCD News has acquired a complete transcript of the post from an anonymous source at Reddit who wants to ensure "[deleted]'s attack against the self-righteous sense of superiority of our user base is not forgotten."

Here are some of the top comments:

"Grats on OP's first day on the internet."
"Facebook is that way --->"
"MOM! Stop posting shit. You're embarrassing me."
"That what you tell your brother when he's trying to shove his **** in your ***?"
"Tumblr is that way --->"
"Eat shit you ******* ********** if I see you ingame I am going to **** your ******** with a rusty *****"

World of Warships Announces New Playable Ships

Wargaming.net, makers of World of Warships and known around the globe for giving teens the power to blow each other up using decades old hardware, recently made an announcement regarding the future of the game:

“In order to make our game as historically accurate as possible, our next patch for World of Warships will include a brand new set of playable ships modeled after the navy of North Korea.”

Reactions from gamers have been mostly positive bordering on ecstatic. We spoke to a few MMAs (Massively Multiplayer Admirals) about the ability to take command of these new vessels.

"You have to remember that history would be different if the North Korean Navy hadn't participated in the both the World Wars, or so my American public school education tells me,” said Admiral WetDinghy. “This is a very responsible move by Wargaming to add them to the lineup as I am pretty sure we would all be speaking Italian had North Korea not intervened.”

Admiral WarInMyPants said, "Hallelujah! They finally gave us OP ships! I highly doubt anyone is going to bother playing any other countries once this patch hits."
Historians on the other hand weren't too impressed. We spoke to a historian who wished to remain anonymous for fear of losing tenure for spending even thirty seconds thinking about this topic, who stated, "North Korean Navy? I know the common stereotype that has manifested in our society is that computer game designers do tend to indulge in recreational drug use such as marijuana, but one has to ask, ‘What are they smoking?’ and ‘Can I have a hit?’"

Wargaming.net are reluctant to release too much information at this point, but did share at least a couple ships and their stats that will definitely be part of the North Korean lineup.

Concept artwork released by Wargaming.net

Ships of the North Korean Navy:

Apocalypse (Heavy Fish Trawler Class)

Tier – I

Displacement - 3,400 tons

Hitpoints - 7,800

Armor - Prayers

Main Armament - 8 x 7inch Oar Throwers (16 rounds per minute)

Secondary Armament - 3 x Cast Net (AoE Effect)

Doomsday (Heavy Barge Class)

Tier – III
Displacement - 9,600 tons

Hitpoints - 14,600
Armor - 4-76mm of garbage
Main Armament - 6 x 4inch Aluminium Can Throwers (400 rounds per minute)
Secondary Armament - 6 x Stink Bomb Depth Charge

It remains to be seen how these ships will be used by players. If forum posts are to be trusted, one player put it perfectly, "Well, the Korean Navy force projection just went over 9000!"

Totally Real Giveaway #2 Announced!

Time to give some more stuff away! EVE Online players, this one is for you. Click the picture to enter!

Soon To Be Father Has Realistic Expectations About Raising a Child and Playing MMOs

Onesie available at Geekling Designs

Brent Willard's life is about to drastically change, and no, it's not due to the release of Heavensword in June. Brent and his wife are expecting their first child. "We couldn't be happier," exclaims Willard, "I can't wait for all of the joy that comes with being a father." The joys Brent speaks of, however, are not what one typically thinks about in terms of raising a child. While some loathe the thought of their lives revolving around the unpredictable whims of an infant, Willard is definitely excited. "With each year I get closer to thirty, every weekend feels more and more like a workday. Dinners at the in-laws, trips to Home Depot, and worst of all, real honest-to-goodness adult dinner parties. When is a guy like me supposed to get his gaming in?"

With a baby on the way, Brent Willard will finally have an excuse to get him out of just about any social engagement he is invited to. "Oh, you want to know if I'm free anytime in the next three years? Sorry, I have to take care of the kid."

Now that his social calendar is clear, Brent can once again focus on his favorite hobby. "This is really going to be good for my gaming. All of the late nights and early mornings will allow me to update my market orders in EVE or run a few dailies in FFXIV. My wife will be singing my praises as I volunteer to take care of the crying kid in the middle of the night AND I will finally have the time to grind for that sick new mount that just came out, win-win."

Willard is also not concerned about the prospect of having to constantly hold the baby despite the fact that he will most definitely constantly have to hold the baby, "When I do have the time to sit at my desk and play now, I play holding a ten pound sack of flour in my left arm... uh, don't tell my wife that. Please don't tell my wife that."

Regardless of what his wife, his friends, his family, and his UPS guy keep telling him, Brent remains convinced that arrival of his first child will be a boon to his MMO lifestyle. "How hard can it be? You change a few diapers, you let the kid burp, and then he sleeps while you tank the boss of a veteran dungeon. Simple as that."

Happy May the 4th! Get Your Dose of Star Wars Funny

In honor of May the 4th (be with you), we here at The Global Cooldown would like to share with you all one of the funniest, yet spot on, reviews of Star Wars Episode 1. While it may not be able to bring back Star Wars Galaxies pre-NGE, it will certainly comes to terms with the prequals. Click below to view Red Letter Media's Phantom Menace review featuring Mr. Plinkett.

 Reviews for Episodes II & III are also on the site if you are interested. Enjoy and May the 4th be with you!

How Old Robot Tells Capsuleers Just How Long They Have Been Stewing in Pod Goo

You read the headline correctly. It appears that EVE Online's character creator is realistic enough to be mistaken for an actual human using Microsoft's "How Old Robot." All a player has to do is upload a screenshot of your character's avatar and the site does the rest. Click here to try it yourself.

According to Micosoft's "How Old Robot", Herman Menderchuck of New Eden is 45 Earth years old.

Like what you read? Shoot me an EveMail... or place a bounty if you think I suck!

Crappy PhotoShop: EVE Ship Skins Edition

A few weeks ago, CCP released the in-game lore that explains the new ship skin system in EVE Online. The story goes that the quasi-evil Serpentis Corporation developed a way to change the appearance of a freighter in order to smuggle illicit goods into high security space. This technology was appropriately named Super Kerr-Induced Nanofittings, or SKIN for short (convenient, right?).

Ever since watching the news story put out by The Scope and being one who grew up in the 90s, this is now all I can see when I see a skinned ship:

Super(Steve) Kerr-Induced Nanofittings

Doesn't help that he wore six different uniforms during his career. My guess is CCP would charge 4,300 AUR for a "Steve Kerr Chicago Bulls Skin (Permanent)."

Bitter Vet - You Damn Kids and Your Slang

He's in his 30s, he's been playing computer games as long as you've been alive no matter how old you actually are, and he's going to give you his opinion whether you want it or not. He's the Bitter Vet.

Listen up noob. Oh, you don't know what a noob is? Let me try and say it in a way you will understand it: Listen up peasant. There, is that better? Back when I started playing computer games back in the early 90s, you know, when Urkel was still a guest star and Clinton hadn't yet been caught dipping his pen in the company ink, there was no gamer slang to speak of. The words we created were out of necessity because.... wait for it... we did NOT HAVE THE LUXURY OF VOICE COMMS. Phrases like "afk" and "lol" were text based expressions that described exactly what one was doing. I can't count the times I climbed back onto my chair to type "ROFL" because I was literally rolling on the floor laughing. Don't even get me started on emojis (which are emoticons by the way). Back in my day we had barely a handful to convey our emotions: smiley face, frowny face, winky face, stick your tongue out face, winky stick your tongue out face, and open mouth laughing face. But then again, anyone who would use open mouth laughing face would quickly be inundated with less than-three equal signs-number 3's. But, I digress.

Basically, the words all you not-impressed-by-a-terabyte kids throw around today just don't make any sense. All we have is this hipster-inspired technobabble that can only be understood if you've ever owned a cell phone in elementary school. Below are just a few examples that I was able to type out before repeatedly smashing my face into the keyboard out of frustration.

LULZ - Hey, I know, let's take a perfectly good acronym that is straightforward and twist it into something that makes no fucking sense. I blame the assclowns that started saying "lol" into voice comms instead of, oh, I don't know, ACTUALLY LAUGHING.

STREAMER - Let me get this straight, people make a living having people watch them play computer games? When I was your age, there was only one streamer on the entire planet as far as I was concerned. His name was Jim and every day he would come home from school and rip the SNES controller from my hands. My only option would be to sit there and watch my big brother play as defeated Zeromus for the first time. The point? Playing is always more fun than watching someone play a game.

WELP - Like any red-blooded American, I am a fan of turning just about any word into a verb. "Beer me," "text me," and "Google it" have all been in my rotation for years. However, I am NOT a fan of completely ignoring our linguistic history. Welp is not a verb used to illustrate a careless or bumbling maneuver in a game, it's an iteration of the linguistic phenomenon known as the “excrescent p,” which results from the sound the mouth makes when it's en route to another word. God, people, respect the language.

EARLY ACCESS - What the hell is this shit? In my day early access meant your best friend was the manager at Electronic Boutique and she could sneak a copy of a new release to you the day before it came out. How about this, wait for a game to come out before you buy it. Ah, forget it, I am going to just head down to my local car dealership and pay them to let me test drive some cars...have to see if I like it before I buy it, am I right?

FOR REASONS - I'll give you a reason, stop being so friggin' lazy and actually communicate effectively with your fellow human beings.

Open Letter to the Devs: Thanks for Alpha Access!!!

Dear Devs,

When I got home from school today, I had an awesome surprise waiting for me in my inbox: an invitation to join the Alpha phase of your game! I must say that I am honored, but not surprised, that I was chosen. I am going to assume tales of my 733t performance in other games are finally spreading across the internet and that you want the best of the best to be the first to play your creation.

I am really happy that more gaming companies are giving early access, but not sure why they just don't release it to everyone at once. I am once again going to go right ahead and assume that you only want the top tier gamers playing first before letting all the peasants on your server. I mean, it's called ALPHA for a reason, right? I imagine it's because you devs want to show off the best version of your game to the best players possible.

Full disclosure, I have never been part of an Alpha before. I have been following the development of your game for quite a while and can't wait to give it a spin. I am still on the fence about whether or not I am going to buy it, so this will be a great way "try before you buy" situation for me. I hope you are on your "A" game, devs, because if this game isn't as advertised, ALL 27 of my Twitch stream subscribers will know what a huge heap of stinking water trash you are trying to pawn off on us consumers. One lag spike, one glitch, or one quest text typo is all it's going to take for this gamer to call your "Alpha" a "piece of shit."

Threats aside, I must say that I am looking forward to creating a character that I can develop as my own should I decide to buy the game. One of my favorite parts of any MMO is personalizing a toon and creating fond memories over the thousands of hours I get to play it. There is nothing better than logging into a game after a few months away and seeing my main sitting there waiting for me, reminding me of the wondrous journeys we have taken together. Persistence has to be one of my favorite aspects of  any MMO, and I can't wait to create my Alpha character so I can begin to leave my mark on your servers!

See all you devs on Alpha launch day!

Sincerely,
Herby Sansclue

Developers Mourn Abuse of Flexible Character Creation Systems

MMORPG developers rallied together in a rare show of complete solidarity this past weekend at the recent Game Developer’s Conference. Although many topics were discussed over the three day event, discussion over player character creation systems sparked the most outcry.

Avatars like the one above cause many
developers to question their career
choice

Traditionally character creation tools are used to add a personal element to a player’s avatar. Although some games, such as World of Warcraft, limit choices to a set list of faces, hair options, and color selections, more recent additions to the market allow increasingly complex control over physical appearance, particularly in facial structure.

One developer spoke above the rest as the panel began: “We have put years of our blood, sweat and tears into making a comprehensive, flexible system so that our customers could make their ideal hero, and this is how they repay us?” At this point a printed screen shot was presented showing what appeared to be a corpulent woman with an anus for a face.


The event proceeded with a slide show presentation depicting some of the worst encounters: Strong men with tiny, grotesque baby faces, characters that were heavily wrinkled, lightly bearded and fairly testicular looking in nature, and many, many unmasked Predator look-a-likes. Many of the developers lost their composure at this display, bemoaning how they could never face their families again or quoting J. Robert Oppenheimer, developer of the atom bomb: “I am become death, destroyer of worlds.”

Jessie Horker, an artistic design manager, stated that a more robust creation system was usually a big selling point for a game. “All we wanted was to give players as many options as possible. You want a big heroic cleft chin, you got it. You want a slim nose for that feminine look, or maybe a prominent brow that shows you’re in charge, we’re on it. You put every slider to full and make your character look like someone stuffed a zeppelin up their nasal cavity, you’re just insulting everyone involved.”
The problem was quickly pointed out to not be limited to online games. Bioware games such as the Mass Effect and Dragon Age series were quick to add their own list of woes along with Dark Souls creators and others. Even Nintendo was able to add their voice to the discussion, citing the number of phallus depictions on disturbingly, yet carefully designed Mii avatars that they had to screen to maintain their family friendly image.

Most developers admitted that it was the player’s right to use their tools as they saw fit, and there was nothing inherently wrong with making a character that looked like the unholy trifecta spawn of Mr. Bean, Steve Buscemi and a cheese grater. Horker responded to this with his fists clenched. “Sure it’s their choice if they want to collectively slap in the face every hard working soul that worked on the system. From a business standpoint, the real problem is, at least in the MMO genres, these players will find exactly where characters spawn and know just where the camera will be pointing so that their baby in a blender face will be the first thing new players see. Nobody wants that. Nobody.”

Fitness Trackers Helping Gamers Get In Shape

With summer fast approaching, it is common to see people try to be more active. The warmer weather and looming of the proverbial 'beach season' has always been a great motivator to get back in shape with the intention of rubbing it in the face of an ex. In recent years, the fitness bracelet trend has become more and more popular, allowing users to see a visual representation of their daily activity. The statistics and graphs the fitness bracelets spit out have served as a wonderful motivator for people who need a reason to keep going. It can be said that gamers are very much like people, so it has come as no surprise that the fitness bracelet trend is beginning to make its way onto the wrists of MMO enthusiasts.

Maligned for years as a hobby for the lazy, weak, and/or awkward, more and more gamers are looking to turn this misconception on its head. "I don't want anyone thinking that just because I love to play MMOs that I am some sort of fat slob," says Randy Holcomb of Morro Bay, California. "But I knew that to do so there would have to be a major lifestyle change. I tried cycling, I tried swimming, I even went out for a few jogs, but none of those things stuck." It was Christmas 2014 that things finally began to turn around for Mr. Holcomb. Sitting under the tree that morning was a life-changing gift from his parents: a fitness tracker bracelet.

"I had no idea what it was or what it was used for until maybe March. I just wore it around so my mom wouldn't give me a hard time. I charged it every week, though, because I thought it was cool when it would light up if you tapped it a few times." It wasn't until a chance meeting at Randy's work that revealed the true purpose of his new accessory. "I was handing a macchiato to this dude when he saw my bracelet and was all like, 'yo bro, how many active mins you got today?' and pointed to my tracker. I realized then and there that my bracelet was actually something much, much more."

Over the next two weeks, Holcomb made sure he wore his fitness tracker whenever he left the house. "I wore it to the movies, I wore it while driving to work, I wore it every single day and I wasn't seeing any results. My daily active minutes would NOT go up no matter how long I wore the tracker."

One day, Randy forgot to take off his fitness tracker before sitting down to play his favorite MMO for a few hours, the results of which were startling. "Seventy four active minutes over the two hour play session. I didn't believe it at first, so I tried it again the next day, same results. They say that playing MMOs is not really a strenuous activity, but my fitness tracker app will tell you otherwise."

Randy credits his intense and focused playstyle for his more active lifestlye. "As soon as I login I queue up for some PvP then start farming mobs while I wait. Rarely a minute goes by that I am not actively participating in the game. Trust me, it shows. After switching the bracelet over to my right wrist, I am now averaging forty three active minutes an hour playing MMOs."

Recently, Randy has purchased a second fitness tracker hoping to further increase his level of fitness. "The new tracker I bought even measures my heart rate. You wouldn't believe how high it gets during a heated PvP match or when I have to go downstairs to grab a soda. According to my trackers, I have literally doubled my active minutes while using them together."

The long-term effects of fitness tracker bracelets are yet to be seen. Regardless, these new devices seem to be helping gamers. "Do I feel better? Most definitely. Everytime I check my fitness tracker stats I feel really good about myself and how many active minutes I've been logging. I wished I had realized I could maintain an active lifestyle while playing MMOs a long time ago," says Holcomb ecstatically. "Do I look better? Actually, no. I had to go out and buy bigger pants the other day."

Blizzard Reveals True Reason Behind WoW Tokens

On April 7, Blizzard Entertainment launched the first major change to the World of Warcraft subscription system in the form of WoW Tokens. Seeking to a land huge blow against illicit RMT, WoW tokens now give players a safe way to purchase gold without the fear of having their accounts banned. While these benefits have been lauded by many as a generous move to allow players to trade real money for gold, it is Blizzard itself that stands to benefit the most.

One week following the release of Blizzard's version of RMT, information has been released that uncovers the real reasons why WoW tokens were created. In a recent interview with GCD News, Game Director Tom Chilton explains how the new system came to be. "Since the game was released, we have been studying all types of metrics concerning WoW," says Chilton. "Many of the decisions we make regarding content and game balance stem from the data we collect. The token system was no different."

Fig. 1

With over ten years of player data collected and analyzed, dollar signs soon began to appear in the eyes of everyone in the office. "For a system like WoW tokens to work, there had to be some sort of equilibrium between those who buy them using real money and those who buy them using gold. We knew the token system had to work due to the ONE constant our data revealed over the years: World of Warcraft has a perfect 50/50 split between cheap and lazy players (Fig. 1). Lazy players will buy the tokens using real money and cheap players will buy tokens from lazy players using gold. Supply and demand, my friend, supply and demand."

The idea of this player type breakdown was first brought up following the release of the Celestial Steed in 2010. "For every forum post filled with hate, vitriol, and promises of bodily harm, there was exactly one Celestial Steed sale. That is no coincidence."

Chilton goes on to explain the different mindsets of each type, describing cheap players as "those people who fight a waiter over a fifty cent up-charge on a baked potato because he or she never asked for sour cream." Cheap players are those who wait to re-up their sub at the end of the month because they are going away for a weekend and don't want to pay for days they aren't going to use. They would rather have to grind gold for hours to purchase a Spectral Tiger off the auction house than buy one for a real-life nickel.  Lazy players, on the other hand, are much more simplistic in their profile since the primary way they interact with the game is with their credit cards.

Chilton admits that these numbers are subject to change and could greatly affect the token market. "We have already seen this in the system's first week," says Chilton. "We underestimated the number of lazy players that would return to the game now that they are able to safely buy gold. This .1% shift caused tokens to lose almost 20% of their value in the first week due to tokens flooding the market." (Fig. 2) Still, the higher-ups at Blizzard are confident the price will rise over the next three weeks. With subscription billing time looming for millions of players at the end of the month, their research shows cheap players will soon start buying up tokens by the fistful.

Fig. 2

"The most important thing to realize is," concludes Chilton, "at the end of the day this token system will benefit all types of players in World of Warcraft. But even more most importantly, our company now has thousands upon thousands of prepaid thirty day subscriptions just sitting there in our bank account. After all these years, it feels good to finally get ahead financially."

Leading MMO Partners with PepsiCo/Frito-Lay

Announced this week, one of the industry's leading MMOs will be partnering with food and beverage giant PespiCo/Frito-Lay. Starting next month, players will be able to acquire special consumables that will mirror real life products such as Doritos, Lay's Potato Chips, and Pepsi brand sodas. While it is being heralded as one of the greatest innovations in computer gaming history by the company who thought of it, there does seem to be plenty of backlash within the game's playerbase. One of largest concerns is that the inclusion of commercial products will create a pay to win system where all players would be forced to acquire them in order to compete. GCD News was able to sit down with the game's lead director and ask him a few questions about the partnership with one of America's corporations:

The new Pepsi/Frito-Lay items
are said to 'barely affect game
mechanics' 

Why did your company decide to partner with PepsiCo/FritoLay?

It was a pretty simple decision, really. They make snacks and drinks, our game has a mechanic where a player can consume food and beverages to gain buffs. I am surprised that we are the first to think of it.

Players seem concerned these new items have the potential to break immersion within the game world.

Look, all players are going to be worried about is being too immersed in the bold, yet smooth spice of Cool Ranch Doritos they are eating while battling the Sour Cream & Onion King of the Salty Crisplands.

Are you planning to create a 'pay to win' environment?

This merger does NOT mean the game will be pay to win. These items will  have no effect on existing stats. I repeat, NO effect on existing stats. Instead, these consumables will affect a brand new stat called 'Snack & Hydration Index Timer.' Players will need to eat and drink more Pepsi/Frito-Lay products in order to increase the SHIT timer. As long as a player's SHIT timer is above zero, they will have access to the new 'Taco Bell Doritos Locos Dungeon brought to you by TaxSlayer.com' which is where most best in slot gear will be found.

How much will these new items cost?

These items will be 100% free to all players who are subscribed to our game. All they need to do is head down to the local mini-mart and buy 20oz of a crisp, refreshing Mountain Dew product or a bag of punch-your-taste-buds-in-the-nuts-in-a-good-way Doritos. Inside every bag and under every bottle cap is a code redeemable for these in-game items. See? How can it be pay to win when you technically aren't paying us directly.

To what extent will these new items affect the core gameplay experience?

We understand that players players are concerned that their gameplay experience will be affected by the new items. Let me be the first to say that these consumables will only really affect the endgame experience, which right now is only about 43% of our playerbase, which is, from what I have been told by our marketing department, less than half. How can anyone say the core gameplay will be affected when items like the 'Diet Pepsi Max Mana Regen Potion' or 'Doritos Jacked Strength in a Bag' are NOT needed by over half the playerbase?

There are some who have said your company has sold out, what do you have to say to them?

Crack open a bag of new DorFritos, take a long, delicious pull of caffeine free Mountain Dew Y, and remember, it's just a game...and I don't want to be unemployed.

Open Letter to the Devs: Fix Free Hero Rotation

Dear Devs,

I love your game. I have logged nearly a thousand hours playing it thus far and it's only the beta. The game mechanics and familiar characters are awesome and I don't see myself slowing down any time soon. That being said, I have one major problem. Every Monday, when the new free hero rotation is released, a wave of disappointment washes over me. Once again, I nearly own all of the heroes on the list. Nearly ALL of them. Aside from being crazy unfair, this practice will cost your company money in the long run. What's the point of buying a hero if you are just going to offer it for free every few weeks? I may as well stop buying them and take advantage of this communist, anti-American practice. I earned the gold, I mean, used real dollars to unlock my heroes and it cheapens my experience if any noob with a beta key from subscribing to WoW eight years ago can play them too.

Here are some ways you can fix this horrible system:

• Suggestion #1 - If a free hero is owned by a player, that player can choose another hero to play for free for the week.
• Suggestion #2 - Allow all players to choose their own free rotation every week, but don't let them use a hero in a match where a player is using a purchased version of that same hero.
• Suggestion #3 - If more than 25% of the playerbase owns a hero, then ban that hero from the free rotation. 

I know I am not alone on this. I have spoken with three or four friends in game that agree with me. I even asked in chat one match and almost 50% of my team thought my suggestions were great, while the rest just wanted me to stop typing and actually take part in the match.

Come on, Blizzard, get your act together. Either make these heroes worth something by forcing players to buy them or just let us choose what heroes we want to play when we want to play them. It's that simple.

Sincerely,
Dip Gamerton

The Sad, Lonely Life of a Trash Mob Designer

It's 7:43pm on a Friday and Michael Ohara is still hard at work in his office. To even call it an office is a stretch. Three nineteen inch monitors take up the majority of his six square foot desk that is only separated from the outside world by a single four and a half foot partition. His workspace is in the farthest corner of the lowest sublevel of his company's satellite building, a brisk twelve minute walk from the parking garage. For the entirety of his eleven year career, Michael Ohara has been a trash mob designer.

Trash mob designers are responsible for Molten Giants
and the six billion other trash mobs in Molten Core

Trash mobs, or spawns as Ohara prefers to call them, have been around as long as MMOs. The original purpose of these NPCs was to add life, vibrancy, and longevity to a game's boss encounters. Seen as an essential part of the PvE experience, they can be seen in just about every dungeon, adventure, and instance that a boss is present. "I really love the variety of content I get to create. One morning I am working on a level fifty nightworm that protects the keeper of the eastern swamps and by the afternoon I have moved on to a level fifty one nightworm who blocks the entrance to the northern swamps. My work is experienced by more players than most of what is done here in the office. Regardless of if you are on a raid, running quests, or just trying to mind your own business, you can't avoid spawns, which to me makes all of the long hours worthwhile."

Michael Ohara's cubicle, as seen in "Western Cubicle &
Animal Storage Emporium Catalog" (3 wall model shown)

Unfortunately for Ohara and his team, trash mob design is not all glitz and glamour. Around the office, they are treated much like the in-game ceatures of their creation. Karl Oberland is a dungeon designer who often questions the need for people like Ohara, "Are these trashcans even worth the hassle? All they do is take up space and take away from the content we bossmen are trying to create." On more than one occasion, claims Oberland, office parties have canceled due to the trash mob design team. "We had a birthday cake for one of our lead devs, but since the trashchans' desks are closest to the break room, they were first to arrive. If anyone wanted a piece of cake, they had to get through them first. After almost an hour of trying, the lead dev called it and we just went back to work."

Outside of the office is no different. Rarely are the likes of Ohara and his team invited to social gatherings such as trivia at the local pub or joining the company kickball team. They are ignored, left to toil away at their desks while the others are off journeying across the world on adventures that will be told at water coolers for years to come. The developers and other content creators have even gone so far as to attempt to rearrange the office so no one has to engage with the trash mob designers unless they want to. "We have tried to come up with ways to get to meetings without being hounded by them," Oberland says, "but no matter where we put them or how we try to reach the conference room, we get pulled into talking to at least one of them. Yes, we've seen the change you made to the mob's spear handle. No, we don't think having each piece of trash have a three second stun on a four second cooldown is a good idea."

Undeterred, Michael Ohara believes his work is meaningful and will continue to try and earn the respect of his co-workers despite it being an uphill battle. "Do you know what the slang term was before they were called 'trash mobs' before?" Ohara asks, leaning back in his chair, staring at the ceiling with a single tear cascading down his cheek. "Neither do I... neither do I."

GCD Celebrates Award Winning April Fools Joke with Crappy Pizza from That Place No One Likes

We here at The Global Cooldown are pleased to announce that our first ever April Fools' joke is now our first ever AWARD WINNING April Fools' joke. Check it out:

While we are very much excited about this achievement, we felt entitled to it, especially after putting in about an hour of work into the ruse. Knowing the only way to be recognized for our extraordinarily mediocre writing was to form the award committee ourselves, it still would have been a huge disappointment not to win. Also worthy to note is that we smashed our daily website hits record, climbing well into the 200s if you count the times we refreshed the front page ourselves.

As a thank you to all our readers, we have ordered pizza for our entire staff. It's the least we can do for everyone who has given us their support these past twenty years days. Please help us spread the word about The Global Cooldown so maybe we can add some soda and napkins to our next office pizza party!

Shitty pizza for a shitty job
well done

LEAKED: EVE Online to Open 'Fresh Start' Server

Big news for the popular MMO EVE Online. After nearly twelve years, the game may be finally opening a new server. Below is a photo that has purportedly been leaked from CCP Games in Reykjavik.

Leaked photo from "Project Renaissance" meeting

Dubbed "The Renaissance Project," a newly leaked photo shows that in fact CCP will be opening a new server where all players will have to start from scratch. The photo, obtained by GCD News, shows what appears to be a slide from a meeting at CCP Games never meant for the public's eyes describing the new server initiative.

Reasons for the decision appear to benefit newer players of the game who feel burdened by the overwhelming skill point and ISK gap faced from EVE veterans. The good news from the leak is that all current subscribers will have access to this new server. It is speculated that players will be able to train skills on one character on both the Tranquility and Renaissance servers, allowing long time EVE players to try the Renaissance server as well.

Since there has yet to be any formal announcement, the new server mostly likely open no sooner than Q1 2016.

Wildstar Player Loves Paying for Sub with CREDD, Just Wishes He Had Time to Enjoy Rest of Game

It's around 7:30pm on a Wednesday and Marcus Stanton is settling into his old, worn in desk chair for a night of gaming. After entering his login credentials, his eyes move to his cellphone and his fingers quickly enter the six digit authentication a moment before the code expires. "God, I love it when I beat the timer like that. Tonight's going to be a good night on Nexus."

CREDD allows Wildstar players to pay for their
subscription using in-game currency

For Stanton, the end of the month, and more importantly the end of his Wildstar subscription, is looming. Since late May of last year, his gaming ritual has remained the same: log in, grind platinum. Following its launch, Wildstar players have been afforded the opportunity to forgo the $15 monthly subscription by purchasing CREDD tokens with in-game currency. "I am so appreciative the developers created a way for me to pay their game without having to fork over money each month," says Stanton. "I instantly fell in love with the gameplay and lore as I leveled, so I can't begin to tell you how awesome it is that I can enjoy myself and not worry about whether or not I am getting value for my sub."

After loading in, Marcus' engineer zips along the dirt roads of Thayd, stopping only to check his mail before hopping a shuttle to the Crimson Badlands. He expertly rips through robots, spiders, and rock giants in less than thirty minutes. Next up is the Northern Wastes which must have gotten its name from the brutal way Stanton laid waste to all in his path. He completes his dailies with the clinical efficiency of someone who has done it hundreds of times before. That's because he has...over two hundred times. As his night of gaming comes to a close, Stanton gives a fist pump as he checks the market and sees he has enough platinum to purchase this month's CREDD. It now seems that he may now have a few days to venture out and begin taking part in dungeons, adventures, or even some PvP.

"Once I buy this CREDD, it's time to start earning plat for next month. I am going away for a few days in April and the last thing I want is to get home from vacation and have to work...at earning platinum. My ultimate goal has always been to get a few months ahead so I can start enjoying everything Wildstar has to offer." Nearly a year has passed and Stanton is no closer to this goal since he was when he hit level 50 last June. "My ONLY gripe with this game is that I never have time to enjoy it. The cost of CREDD has risen steadily, so it's a grind to keep up."

Stanton's house in Wildstar sits just as did on launch day

"There is so much I am excited to explore once I have three or four CREDD in the bank. My guild keeps begging me to join their raid group, but with the cost of repairs there's no way I could keep playing for free. I hear it's really fun, though." Raiding is not the only part of Wildstar Marcus sees himself diving into if he ever can get ahead of the CREDD curve. "I have always loved sightseeing in MMOs," he explains, "I can't wait to level my main's explorer profession as I hear that's really fun, too. Oh, and housing, I've heard about players building some amazing creations. I hope to check it out at some point. From what I have seen in screenshots on Reddit, building your own house looks like tons of fun."

When asked why he chooses to spend all of his play time earning platinum instead of partaking in activities he enjoys, Marcus is quick to defend himself, "It's 2015, who charges a subscription anymore? I already bought the game, I am not going to keep forking over cash just to keep playing it." The only other option, Stanton says, is to stop playing Wildstar altogether. "I've thought about it a lot, actually. Why don't I just stop playing, stop grinding, and stop having to worry about a subscription? The answer is simple, after almost a year on Nexus, there is one thing I know for sure: this game has potential."

Game Studio Seeks First 'Kickhire'

With competition in the computer game market at an all time high, development studios are constantly searching for ways to set their product apart from the rest. In order to create a game that is unique and innovative, companies must have the right combination of developers, content creators, and artists. A team that has great chemistry and vision could mean the difference between adding or merging servers three months after launch. However, the chances of a smaller studio luring a big name developer away from a big name studio is nigh impossible.

For small computer game companies, sometimes a little out-of-the-box thinking is what's needed. Last week, newly founded Pander Studios launched their mandatory Kickstarter to fund their inaugural MMO due out in 2019. While most of the the reward tiers offer the usual beta access and in-game items, the largest backer tier proved to be the most unusual. Dubbed the "You're Hired Tier!", the company seeks to recruit up to five new game developers in the form of project backers.

In order to get hired by Pander Studios, a backer must pledge $50,000 to secure a spot on their payroll. There is no job experience or educational background required.

Studio founder Jason Albrecht described the motivation behind the move, "We really want to hire someone who is passionate about the game. If donating fifty grand to a game doesn't show passion, I don't know what does." When asked about the discrepancy in the amount pledged versus the amount paid for the job, Albrecht explained, "well, we still need your money to make the game, now don't we?"

Comments posted on the game's Kickstarter have been mixed. While most congratulate Pander Studios on giving everyday gamers the opportunity to fulfill the dream of creating computer games for a living, some followers of the game are outraged. User 733tNooblet seemed most distraught at the fact the "You're Hired Tier!" reward was not offered at a lower backer tier. "Even though the campaign just launched, this game is already p2win [pay to win]! I've been following this game since it was a GDD [game design document] in Google Drive. The devs should really be rewarding players who have been here since the beginning, not whoever can fork over the most cash."

Dismissing such comments as a very vocal minority, Albrect is confident that his company will eventually be able to attract talented developers to Pander Studios. "It's a win-win for Pander Studios. If we end up hiring someone who terrible at the job, then we just fire the backer after a month, take the money they contributed, and hire someone who doesn't suck."