Lion's Arch Rebuilding Brings Signs of Gentrification

No one will ever forget the year 1327 AE, when Scarlet Briar and her minions unleashed a massive and deadly attack on the fabled city of Lion's Arch. Although the battle only lasted several days, the effects of the conflict are still felt to this day as the wreckage of the villain's massive airship 'Breachmaker'  have forever changed the city's landscape. Nearly a year later, the Lionguard and its allies have all but completed their massive rebuilding project, hoping to bring their home back to its former glory.

However, not everyone in Tyria is looking forward to the 'new and improved' Lion's Arch. As citizens begin to return, some have questioned if these changes are for the better.

Artist depiction of the 'new' Lion's Arch

One refugee who has recently returned to her home found herself out of a job shortly thereafter. "Before the war, I used to gather tiny fangs and make Minor Runes of the Ranger to sell to heroes passing through the city. Now you can't take ten steps without tripping over a merchant selling piles upon piles of vicious fangs and superior runes. Sure, the crime rate is falling and maniacal Secondborn Sylvari attacks are down 100%, but it feels like the city is losing its 'diversity'... if you get what I am saying."

This sudden increase in the quality of crafting materials will surely cause rent across Lion's Arch to rise. In the long term, experts predict the capital to be home almost exclusively to level 80s. "As auction houses and markets are flooded with expensive gear and crafting materials, prices of those particular items will fall slightly. This, in turn, will attract more and more level 80 characters to the city. However, as the demand for top tier goods rises, so does the price. It is expected that anyone not pulling in the salary of a max level will be forced to find a home elsewhere."

Citizens of Lion's Arch have also seen the arrival of new businesses seeking to capitalize on the changing social climate of the city. In the past three months alone, Chipotle, Forever 21, Target, 11 yoga studios, sixteen Starbucks, and one of those bars where you drink wine and paint a picture have all opened for business.

"I, for one, love what this city has become," raves a level 80 decked out in legendary and ascended gear. "There are more people like me here, if you catch my drift. Those low level green-geared peasants can go RP in The Grove for all I care... good riddance. Wait, that's not what I meant. I mean, I am NOT a classist, if that's what you're thinking. Some of my best friends are level 50s!"

Regardless of how anyone feels about the changes, they are here to stay. The long term effects will yet to be seen, but one thing is for certain: this is no longer your grandparents' Lion's Arch.

H1Z1 Expands Unbanning Policy Options

Almost one week ago, Daybreak Game Company took a giant step in combating player cheating in their popular MMO H1Z1. While other game companies quickly fix exploits and attempt to block various hacking methods, the number of accounts that are banned rarely numbers more than a few hundred. Daybreak took a different approach, summarily banning nearly 25,000 accounts in one fell swoop.

Over the next few days, Daybreak was inundated with hundreds of email apologies from players hoping to get their accounts reinstated. The response to these emails from John Smedley, president of Daybreak Gaming Company, was swift and to the point:

Dear Cheaters who got banned. Many of you are emailing me, apologizing and admitting it. Thank you. However.. You’re doing it wrong. If you want us to even consider your apology a public YouTube apology is necessary. No personal information please. Email me the link. And I will tweet it...Not trying to do anything other than highlight a serious issue.

Several players have already taken up Mr. Smedley's offer and have made public apologies via YouTube and have subsequently had their accounts given back.

Apology card sent to Daybreak Game Company

With the YouTube apologies being such a resounding success, Daybreak Gaming Company has expanded the options for players to have their accounts unbanned and have recently shared some of them with GCD News:

1. Apology card containing adorable pun
2. Flowers (red roses only, 3 dozen min.)
3. Handmade coupon book that includes such perks as "one free backrub" or an "anytime hug."
4. Donate five cases of Mountain Dew to underprivileged gamers
5. Wait outside  in the parking lot Daybreak Gaming Company and run up to a Dev as they leave work, groveling on your knees, begging for your account back



Apology sent to Daybreak Game Company
that includes one free back rub

6. Cookie cake with "I'm sorry I need to cheat to win at a game that in the grand scheme of life means nothing." (Blue frosting only)

It is the hope of Daybreak Gaming Company to be able to reinstate nearly all of the 25,000+ accounts by the end of June, because, well, money is money.

A banned player waits patiently for his turn
to beg at the feet of an H1Z1 Dev in person

Guild Leader Frustrated at Drop in Active Members

Claire Monroe sits at her computer and waits...and hopes. She is hoping that her once proud and guild will once again return to its active self. "I am trying to figure out why it all of a sudden turned to shit," ponders Monroe. "Everything was going great and then poof, everyone disappeared."

It is not unexpected that Claire Monroe is not the first GM to face problems like bickering guildmates, server/faction choice, and disagreements on loot rules as they all come with the territory of leading a group of pixelated adventurers. But the biggest challenge for those running a guild, perhaps, is maintaining a roster of active members.

The guild was founded in January 2015, yet boasts a roster of over one hundred and fifty members. Recruiting was as easy as posting a link to Monroe's guild's Enjin page in the forums and watching the applications roll in. Within two weeks the guild was sporting triple digits. "I don't know if it was the hype surrounding the game, or the fact there weren't many other guilds recruiting at the time, players just started lining up to join us," boasts Monroe. It was indeed both of those reasons that played heavily into the guild's early success as the group was formed under the banner of ArtCraft's upcoming MMO Crowfall.

Claire fondly recounts the good old days of the guild, which was about three months ago, "No matter when I logged into the guild page, there were always new forum posts or members shooting the breeze in chat. We would talk about what classes people were going to play, what the crafting system might look like, and speculating which year the game would ultimately be released. My guess is Q4 2017."

It was then in late March that Monroe started seeing a downward trend in activity. Over the course of two weeks, an average of less than ten members a day were active on the guild's page, down from an average of nearly eighty. "It seems that our guild party to mark the end of Crowfall's Kickstarter was the end of our guild for some reason. We had over 120 guildies in chat that night but haven't come close to that since...I don't know, I thought we had a good thing going."

For the last several weeks, Claire has made several attempts to increase guild activity, but they have all come up short. "I have been racking my brain trying to figure out ways to draw members back in. So far my best ideas have been sitting in Mumble talking about how awesome the game is going to be or sitting in chat and typing about how awesome the game is going to be. Even the poll I posted on our page was ignored by all but three of our members. I figured asking 'Even though the finalized list is literally years away and detailed information regarding the topic is sparse, what class are you going to play come launch?' would stimulate some discussion. I was wrong."

There has been talk about the guild shutting its doors for good if activity doesn't pick up. But for now, Claire Monroe is committed to once again being one of the premiere guilds in Crowfall and figuring out the cause of the massive drop in guild activity. "If I can just figure out why Crowfall lost so many players so quickly, only then will I be able to solve my guild's activity problem."

HotS Player Completely Unaware of the Purpose of Reddit

Recently, a post appeared on the popular website Reddit that garnered its fair share of attention, but not for the reasons its author intended. User [deleted] posted a plea in the Heroes of the Storm subreddit urging his fellow players to "stop giving up," adding "every game is winnable, so keep trying!" Although the post was meant to serve as a beacon of positivity and encouragement, [deleted] was soon made aware of the error of making such a statement on Reddit. Users on the site were outraged that [deleted] had the audacity to create such a post. "You got some real stones my friend, coming on here and being all supportive and shit," spat a fellow Redditor.

Screenshot of [deleted]'s post just before it was taken down

It was not long before the denziens of Reddit united under the banner of shitting on [deleted]. The vitriol came so quickly and so furiously that the mods couldn't react fast enough to take the post down in a timely manner. Seventeen minutes and two hundred and fifty nine comments later, the damage to one poor user's soul was irrevocably done. Left with no recourse, OP deleted his username so the horror of that day never has to be relived.

Fortunately, GCD News has acquired a complete transcript of the post from an anonymous source at Reddit who wants to ensure "[deleted]'s attack against the self-righteous sense of superiority of our user base is not forgotten."

Here are some of the top comments:

"Grats on OP's first day on the internet."
"Facebook is that way --->"
"MOM! Stop posting shit. You're embarrassing me."
"That what you tell your brother when he's trying to shove his **** in your ***?"
"Tumblr is that way --->"
"Eat shit you ******* ********** if I see you ingame I am going to **** your ******** with a rusty *****"

World of Warships Announces New Playable Ships

Wargaming.net, makers of World of Warships and known around the globe for giving teens the power to blow each other up using decades old hardware, recently made an announcement regarding the future of the game:

“In order to make our game as historically accurate as possible, our next patch for World of Warships will include a brand new set of playable ships modeled after the navy of North Korea.”

Reactions from gamers have been mostly positive bordering on ecstatic. We spoke to a few MMAs (Massively Multiplayer Admirals) about the ability to take command of these new vessels.

"You have to remember that history would be different if the North Korean Navy hadn't participated in the both the World Wars, or so my American public school education tells me,” said Admiral WetDinghy. “This is a very responsible move by Wargaming to add them to the lineup as I am pretty sure we would all be speaking Italian had North Korea not intervened.”

Admiral WarInMyPants said, "Hallelujah! They finally gave us OP ships! I highly doubt anyone is going to bother playing any other countries once this patch hits."
Historians on the other hand weren't too impressed. We spoke to a historian who wished to remain anonymous for fear of losing tenure for spending even thirty seconds thinking about this topic, who stated, "North Korean Navy? I know the common stereotype that has manifested in our society is that computer game designers do tend to indulge in recreational drug use such as marijuana, but one has to ask, ‘What are they smoking?’ and ‘Can I have a hit?’"

Wargaming.net are reluctant to release too much information at this point, but did share at least a couple ships and their stats that will definitely be part of the North Korean lineup.

Concept artwork released by Wargaming.net

Ships of the North Korean Navy:

Apocalypse (Heavy Fish Trawler Class)

Tier – I

Displacement - 3,400 tons

Hitpoints - 7,800

Armor - Prayers

Main Armament - 8 x 7inch Oar Throwers (16 rounds per minute)

Secondary Armament - 3 x Cast Net (AoE Effect)

Doomsday (Heavy Barge Class)

Tier – III
Displacement - 9,600 tons

Hitpoints - 14,600
Armor - 4-76mm of garbage
Main Armament - 6 x 4inch Aluminium Can Throwers (400 rounds per minute)
Secondary Armament - 6 x Stink Bomb Depth Charge

It remains to be seen how these ships will be used by players. If forum posts are to be trusted, one player put it perfectly, "Well, the Korean Navy force projection just went over 9000!"

Totally Real Giveaway #2 Announced!

Time to give some more stuff away! EVE Online players, this one is for you. Click the picture to enter!

Soon To Be Father Has Realistic Expectations About Raising a Child and Playing MMOs

Onesie available at Geekling Designs

Brent Willard's life is about to drastically change, and no, it's not due to the release of Heavensword in June. Brent and his wife are expecting their first child. "We couldn't be happier," exclaims Willard, "I can't wait for all of the joy that comes with being a father." The joys Brent speaks of, however, are not what one typically thinks about in terms of raising a child. While some loathe the thought of their lives revolving around the unpredictable whims of an infant, Willard is definitely excited. "With each year I get closer to thirty, every weekend feels more and more like a workday. Dinners at the in-laws, trips to Home Depot, and worst of all, real honest-to-goodness adult dinner parties. When is a guy like me supposed to get his gaming in?"

With a baby on the way, Brent Willard will finally have an excuse to get him out of just about any social engagement he is invited to. "Oh, you want to know if I'm free anytime in the next three years? Sorry, I have to take care of the kid."

Now that his social calendar is clear, Brent can once again focus on his favorite hobby. "This is really going to be good for my gaming. All of the late nights and early mornings will allow me to update my market orders in EVE or run a few dailies in FFXIV. My wife will be singing my praises as I volunteer to take care of the crying kid in the middle of the night AND I will finally have the time to grind for that sick new mount that just came out, win-win."

Willard is also not concerned about the prospect of having to constantly hold the baby despite the fact that he will most definitely constantly have to hold the baby, "When I do have the time to sit at my desk and play now, I play holding a ten pound sack of flour in my left arm... uh, don't tell my wife that. Please don't tell my wife that."

Regardless of what his wife, his friends, his family, and his UPS guy keep telling him, Brent remains convinced that arrival of his first child will be a boon to his MMO lifestyle. "How hard can it be? You change a few diapers, you let the kid burp, and then he sleeps while you tank the boss of a veteran dungeon. Simple as that."

Happy May the 4th! Get Your Dose of Star Wars Funny

In honor of May the 4th (be with you), we here at The Global Cooldown would like to share with you all one of the funniest, yet spot on, reviews of Star Wars Episode 1. While it may not be able to bring back Star Wars Galaxies pre-NGE, it will certainly comes to terms with the prequals. Click below to view Red Letter Media's Phantom Menace review featuring Mr. Plinkett.

 Reviews for Episodes II & III are also on the site if you are interested. Enjoy and May the 4th be with you!

How Old Robot Tells Capsuleers Just How Long They Have Been Stewing in Pod Goo

You read the headline correctly. It appears that EVE Online's character creator is realistic enough to be mistaken for an actual human using Microsoft's "How Old Robot." All a player has to do is upload a screenshot of your character's avatar and the site does the rest. Click here to try it yourself.

According to Micosoft's "How Old Robot", Herman Menderchuck of New Eden is 45 Earth years old.

Like what you read? Shoot me an EveMail... or place a bounty if you think I suck!

Crappy PhotoShop: EVE Ship Skins Edition

A few weeks ago, CCP released the in-game lore that explains the new ship skin system in EVE Online. The story goes that the quasi-evil Serpentis Corporation developed a way to change the appearance of a freighter in order to smuggle illicit goods into high security space. This technology was appropriately named Super Kerr-Induced Nanofittings, or SKIN for short (convenient, right?).

Ever since watching the news story put out by The Scope and being one who grew up in the 90s, this is now all I can see when I see a skinned ship:

Super(Steve) Kerr-Induced Nanofittings

Doesn't help that he wore six different uniforms during his career. My guess is CCP would charge 4,300 AUR for a "Steve Kerr Chicago Bulls Skin (Permanent)."